I hate my life

Reading Napoléon Bonparte’s biography, I came across a statement he made years before he appeared on the world stage. He had been falsely accused and placed under arrest. While convincingly arguing for his own immediate release as a Napoléon Bonaparte would, he said,

“…if my enemies wish for my life, let them take it. I have often given proofs how little I value it. Nothing but the thought that I may yet be useful to my country makes me bear the burden of existence with courage.”

I could not help but get hung up on that statement. Perhaps Jesus Christ is right when he said the way to significance is to disregard our lives. Given what Jesus said, given what Napoléon went on to accomplish in the world, for good or bad, perhaps I can say that if I love my life too much, I must be prepared to settle for mere existence rather than significance.

At the risk of sounding like I feel my life has a grand purpose, I dare say, of course my life has a grand purpose. How can it not, when I am not a product of evolution but a product of God’s mind and God’s Spirit? Between you and I, I am aiming for significance because I am designed for significance, a significance that transcends my time and transcends time. You are too.

The amplified version of Jesus’ statement says,

“Anyone who loves his life loses it, but anyone who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. [Whoever has no love for, no concern for, no regard for his life here on earth, but despises it, preserves his life forever and ever.]

A fulfilling existence requires being able to say like Queen Esther in the pursuit of purpose, “If I die, I die.” I realize that I am not ready to really live until I am willing to die. I am not ready to impact with my writing until I am willing to be misunderstood or my writing thrown in the trash can. I am not ready to succeed until I am willing to woefully fail, losing all reputation. Ironically, I am not ready to be significant until I am willing to be insignificant. Safety is dangerous. I hate my life.

7 thoughts on “I hate my life

  1. Looking at history, all the people that made great impact in the worldscene were people sold out to a cause that was more than them. And that's the strategy of Islamic extremists too; that's why they continue to pose as a major threat, because they did say that while americans love life, they are ready to lose their lives for the cause of what they believe. And I believe that for every christian aiming to make a big impact, it starts with forsaking our ambitions and dreams and selling it all to recieve a cause, an ambition and a dream taht is much more than us, the cause of preaching Christ, no matter what.I pray daily to remain sold out to a cause greater than my mere existence; That, to me, is a life called to fulfillment. A life that is focused on 'just me' is a dreary way to exist. But to let go of 'me' for the sake of his cause, now, that's the path of greatness.

  2. @LD, thank you. Interestingly, the day before I posted this (I wrote it on the flight back from Paris), Paul of lannalife.wordpress.com posted a similar post, which you may want to check out. Like I said on Paul's blog, I respect Islamic extremists for putting their lives where their faith is, for placing their believes above their lives. We have nothing to live for if we have nothing to die for.As Paul said, this is not about committing suicide. It is about being totally sold out to a cause beyond ourselves. I truly believe that there are not many things that can limit a man or a woman willing to die. All things become possible. You get a Napoléon Bonaparte, you get Queen Esther, you get Daniel and his colleagues in Babylon and even David with Goliath. Perhaps our affinity for safety and comfort is the reason for our lack of fulfillment.The interesting thing though is that those who say "if I die, I die" rarely die before fulfilling their purpose, when God backs them up. Truly, those who show no regard for their lives as Jesus said, preserve it forever and ever. In other words, they are immortalized. Even when they are dead, they are with us. They become eternal excellencies. I love what someone said about Shakespeare, "He was not for a time, but for all time." I want that kind of existence.

  3. Hey Tolu, I'm sorry I'm a little late in commenting. Had one of those busy weeks and now I see there are two of your musings being posted!I think your posting really reflects another one of those Christian oxymorons – to live life you've got to lose it! But you are so right. Those more we lose it the more we gain it. The more we disregard our lives the more the Lord seems to regard it! How paradoxical is that!I suppose, as we lose our lives we walk in greater or truer humility! Just a thought that cam as I was typing this. :) With love, Paul.

  4. Thank you Paul for your comments. No worries at all. I am delighted that you would visit at all. Thank you.I guess God's ways are different from ours, hence the multitude of oxymorons. Give in order to receive, die in order to live! It all goes counter to our way of thinking but I suppose since these are God's ways, it is the way and ours need to change.I find this rather profound – "The more we disregard our lives, the more the Lord seems to regard it!" I believe God wants us to let go of our lives not so we can lose it but so He can protect it for us, thereby preserving it for ever and ever.What better thing to empty our lives into than God and His Kingdom. And yes, as we lose our lives, we walk in greater humility because it is no longer we that live but Christ who lives in us.Thank you Paul.

  5. Tolu- in our disregard of our life, one element which I believe is eternal, is our regard of another's life…. Another's worth, another's existence. When we can see others and their value, then we are a "product of God's mind and God's spirit."Thank you for the spiritual clarity you offer in your observations and musings!-Ella

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *